What does Harry’s birthday mean to me?

Next week is Harry’s birthday… Aww I hear you think? Wow how is he four already? Normal kind of thoughts – I should be thinking. 

The truth is, I’m not – I’m panicking and this makes me feel sad. I’m thinking tonnes of tiny little thoughts. Just little blips in my head as the day goes on. I don’t want him to be four – he’s getting too big, how will we manage? This is really the pits that I’m changing his nappies at four… but don’t moan now (sheer panic) this is just going to get even more difficult.

Then I’ll be telling myself off – but at least he’s here. At least you get to see his gorgeous smiling face everyday, but it’s hard – it’s bloody hard. With every birthday comes an intense period of reflection. 

Harry turning four also kind of really confirms in a way that this is what Harry will be like for the rest of his life. And we as parents just need to get on board with it and do our best. Suck up the juxtaposition of what life should have been like, what watching him open his presents might have felt like and just try and enjoy the Harry we have now. Try and make the most of what we’ve got. And sometimes that feels impossible.

The thing is I never wanted to be a nurse, or a Carer, an administrator, an occupational therapist, a physiotherapist, play therapist, coordinator or advocate for my child but here I am. Being a mum to Harry is completely not what I had in mind and a million miles away from what it should’ve been. It not about shaping him into a person who could be let loose on society in the future, it’s more about living completely day by day to make sure Harry has the most comfortable, healthy and happy life he can have right now. 

It’s been hard to figure out what to get harry for his birthday – he doesn’t enjoy toys, instead he enjoys cuddles and tickles, us time. So for this birthday we’re taking Harry to Centre parcs to try and find some moments of just being parents to Harry. Those moments when he smiles and we know he’s truly with us, because he is and that after four years and what he’s gone through is amazing and worth celebrating.

Happy birthday to the bravest boy in the world – my Harry.

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